Today I decided to get somewhat less serious and talk about things that people do that I find are strange, stupid, idiotic, or just plain, piss me off. I could probably list several hundred, if I took the time to think about it, but I do not wish to devote that much time to this, because it would than become something that would, in itself, become idiotic. I would than have to stamp myself. So, with this in mind, I will list my top 10. They are not in any order of stupidity or level of piss-i-ness.

I would like to claim this idea as my own, but I believe in honesty and I can not take credit for this idea, but I really like the concept.

I would like to have a rubber ink stamp imprinted with the following backward phase, “toidi gnik–f a m’I” and an indelible red ink pad. Then when I saw somebody doing something that fit my above mentioned criteria, I could stamp their forehead with my message in the indelible red ink. Because the message is backwards, every time they looked in a mirror, they would know what they truly are. Other people who saw the red ink on someone’s forehead would realize that this person is someone who does stupid things and should be avoided at all costs.

1. People who run red lights. This is why the street light goes from green which means “go”, to yellow which means “caution” or it also means it’s about to turn red so get ready to stop. Hey, dumb-ass, you can slow down and prepare to stop when the light is yellow. It does not mean, like my oldest sister, “go like a bat out of hell.” And of course, red means “stop.” This also applies to those people in left turning lanes , who continue to go long after the arrow has turned red. Where is my stamp?

2. People who take up two parking slots to “protect their precious vehicle. There is no more consideration for the other person. If you have to take up two spots, than park where no one else parks, like on the “outer limits” of the parking lot. Have you seen the ad where the guy with a small car squeezes into a no parking area in a parking ramp and then climbs out of his hatchback to get out. He thinks that he is so smart. What about the person next to him…how does that passenger get in their car? If someone did that to me, I would glue his hatchback shut with super glue. Where is my stamp?

3. People who turn on their cellphones during the show at a movie theater and it is not just the young people doing it. What…you can not be out of touch for 2 to 3 hours? If not, than do not go to the movies…watch them in the comfort of your home and quit bothering me. What the hell did you do before cellphones? This also is for those parents who text or call their children, in the next room, that supper is ready. What…did your tongue suddenly quit working? Where is my stamp?

4. People who go through the express checkout at the grocery store, where the sigh states, “12 items or less” with 5 carts full of groceries. What… you only saw eleven episodes of Sesame Street and you do not know what the number “12” means? Where is my stamp?

5. People who walk their dog(s), let their dog(s) than poop in my yard, and then do not pick it up. You do not have to worry about paying the $1000.00 fine from the city. If, I ever find out who you are…I will personally come to your house and “shit bomb” your whole house. Where is my stamp?

6. People who park in handicap parking…who are not handicapped. I realize that it is sometimes hard to figure out what may be wrong with a person by looking at them, but lets use some common sense. Just because your wife qualifies to have a handicap sticker does not mean that you hang it in your sports car, pull in to a handicap parking spot, and run into the store, with your softball uniform on, so that you can pickup your latest 48 pack of beer. Where is my stamp?

7. People who wear “whatever” to go shopping. I am sorry…I do not wish to see your mistaken, ill-fitting, holey or transparent, or inappropriate attire. White spandex pants over black panties worn by someone over two hundred pounds is a visual that I should not have to see and its bad enough when its a woman, much less a man. Where is my stamp?

8. People who work for tele-marketers and call my house at all hours. What part of no… do you not, understand. When I say no, it does not mean that I am not interested in what you are selling and call back tomorrow please, because I might change my mind. It means…DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN!!! Secondly, you might want to hire someone who speaks English and does not mispronounce my name, at least. Where is my stamp?

9. People who drive stupidly. It does not matter what it is that they do, I just instinctively go ballistic. I am swearing a blue streak. I was once hired to be a courtesy-driver for a local car dealership. I did not last a day. Where is my stamp?

10. My wife. We will sit down to watch a show or a movie on tv together. We will barely start watching the program and you must realize that we have both seen the same amount of the show…when my beautiful loving wife will turn to me and say, “What’s going on?” So…do I make “shit” up, or what? Where is my stamp?

Finally, an extra one from elsewhere in the world. The latest fad in China is faking pregnancy. In order to score themselves seats on the cities’ overcrowded subways and buses, some women have reportedly resorted to strapping on silicone “pregnancy pads.” The realistic-looking faux bellies come in sizes to simulate different trimesters and even twin pregnancies. Where is my stamp?

I hope that I did not offend anyone. This was all meant in the true spirit of humor, and besides, if I offended you…tough toenails!!! Where is my stamp?

Advertisements